If I Had Only Known
by purplepagoda
Summary: In the middle of an investigation Maura goes missing. Jane discovers that she'ss been abducted by a psycho. Can she hold it together, after six months, and no leads? She blames herself. She wonders if she'll ever find Maura. What happens if she doesn't?
1. Missing You

_It had been a busy day. Three dead bodies, in twenty four hours, one sadistic killer. A monster of a man, who tortured, his victims for months, sometimes, even years, before killing them. _

_Everyone was busy. Korsak was busy chasing down leads. Jane, and Frost were on a stake out. Maura stayed late, to try and get caught up on all the bodies in her morgue. It was busy, but it wasn't really out of the ordinary. They were always busy._

_This, time they were too busy. Too busy trying to catch a killer, to notice some very important things. Too busy to realizes that his next victim was going to be one of their own. _

_Jane blamed herself, more than anyone, for what happened next. She was to busy to make anything of the fact that Maura didn't answer her phone call. She was too busy when she got home, to call and see if her best friend had made it home, amidst the chaos. She had been too busy to notice, that her friend never made it home. That she made it to the parking lot, but not her call. _

_When she arrived at her desk the next morning, she plugged in her phone. She had been too busy to remember to bring her charger home. That's when she found out that she had ten missed calls. Every one of them from her mother. Three voicemails. _

_She was too busy to call her back. She headed to the cafe to get a cup of coffee. Her mother met her in a panic. _

_"I called you. Why didn't you answer me?"_

_"Ma, I'm fine. You don't have to worry about me. I forgot my phone charger, and the phone went dead. I was on a stake out until three a.m. I'm fine."_

_"It's not you that I'm worried about."_

_"What do you mean, ma?"_

_"Maura never came home, last night."_

_"She probably worked late. She falls asleep at her desk all of the time."_

_"I called her. I called her cell phone. I called her office home. She still hadn't made it home, when I left to come here, this morning."_

_"Maybe you just didn't see her."_

_"I waited on the couch for her, all night. She called me and told me that she was going to stay until midnight, and that she would make sure to let me know when she got in."_

_"Maybe she forgot."_

_"Can you just go see if..."_

_"I'll go see," Jane agreed._

_But she found the morgue empty. She found Maura's office empty. She wandered into the parking lot, looking for her car. She found Maura's car. Her purse was sitting on the ground, next to the car. That is when the panic set in. _

_Jane reached for her phone. Her fingers felt clumsy, as she dialed a familiar number. It rang twice, before the party she was trying to reach answered._

_"Frost."_

_"Frost? I need you to come out here."_

_"Out where?"_

_"To the parking lot."_

_"Why?"_

_"I need you to bring a crime scene tech with you."_

_"Why? Jane what's going on?"_

_"Maura's missing."_

_"What do you mean missing?"_

_"She never went home last night. She's not in the morgue. She's not in her office."_

_"Maybe she went home with someone."_

_"If by someone, you mean that she was abducted by a serial killer."_

_"Why are you assuming that she's been abducted?"_

_"Her car is still in the parking lot."_

_"Like I said, maybe she went home with someone."_

_"And she left her purse next to the car, dumped on the ground, along with the keys?"_

_"I'll be right there."_

Six months later:

She stares at herself in the mirror. She wipes the sleep from her eyes. She pulls on her clothes. She feels like a zombie, as she pulls her hair into a pony-tail. She shakes her head, trying to shake the sense of grief. Today is the sixth month anniversary of Maura's disappearance. No body, no leads. Nothing.

Nothing, but a sense of grief. A sense of loss. Shoes that can not be filled. Qualified medical examiners have filtered through BPD, since her disappearance. Eight M.E.'s in six months. The loss grates on everyone.

There are no fun, and games. It's all business, all the time. Every member of Boston PD wears a solemn face, in remembrance of a fallen colleague. A hero. One whose reappearance seems less likely with each passing day.

Jane pulls on her blazer, and heads out the door. She waltzes past her coffee pot, on her way out the door. There is never any sleep, anymore, so she skips the caffeine. She slowly makes her way to the car.

She clears the car of snow. It's late February, and a fresh six inches has covered her car, since she came in last night, at midnight. She warms the car up, as she scrapes snow, and ice. Finally when her fingers are frozen, beneath her two pairs of gloves she climbs inside. She finds herself staring at the air freshener, hanging from her mirror.

It no longer smells of anything, but cardboard. She refuses to take it down. It is a gift, that Maura had given her, to cover up the smell of old take out, and dirty socks. She looks into her mirror, and puts the car into drive. She pulls into the street, and creeps down the road. She stops at the light.

She arrives at the precinct, and parks her car. She climbs into the elevator, after going through security. She reaches her desk. She finds that her partner is already there. He stares at her solemnly. She stares back at him, wondering the last time she could remember seeing him smile.

"You ok?" he questions.

"No."

"Same as yesterday?"

"Yep. Why do you always ask?"

"I keep thinking that if I keep asking, eventually your answer will change. One day you will be ok."

"No. I won't. My best friend was abducted by a murderous bastard, because I was too busy doing other things. If we ever find her, it will probably be in a hole, in the ground."

"We've been over this a million times, Jane. It wasn't your fault."

"I know, but you are never going to convince me of that."

"Why?"

"I should have pieced the clues together sooner. If I had realized, then she would still be here."

"We all should have. We were in the middle of an investigation. We were trying to find him, before he struck again."

"And we failed miserably."

"We'll find her."

"Only if he wants us to."

"We will."

"Do you even believe that, anymore?"

He doesn't respond.


	2. Home

_She heard the footsteps, but didn't think twice. She unlocked the car door, in attempt to get home. But before she could get the door open, she felt his breath on her neck. Then his arm around her neck. Then black._

_She assumed that it took hours, not days for her to regain consciousness, but really, there was no way to be sure. She opened her eyes, slowly, unsure of the environment around her. She quickly realized that there was very little light. Just enough for her to make out her surroundings. She was in a basement. A cold, dank, dark basement. She felt the wall behind her, with her fingers. It was stone. That meant very little. She slowly tipped her head back. The throbbing headache elicited her attention first. Then her eyes drifted to the small, window, ten feet above her head. _

_She swallowed hard. Her mouth felt dry, and cottony. She needed a drink. She heard a door open. The stairs creaked. Footsteps moved in her direction. The light hit her, as he reached the bottom stair. She blinked, several times. Her headache magnified. Her eyes regained focus. Her gaze falls on her captors face._

_Not at all what she had expected. Preconceived notions had always had the tendency to bit her in the ass. She studied his face, memorized every line, every hair, every scar, every landmark. She made the realization that he's no older than twenty-five. What could he possibly be capable of. _

_That is when she noticed it. The tattoo on his arm. The muscles that lie beneath. He stared her in the eye. She stared back, at cold, lifeless black eyes. Whatever this man had seen, made him a killer. His lips tightened into a smile. Finally he spoke, "Hello, Dr. Isles. You'll be staying here for a while. No one is coming for you. Welcome to your personal Hell. It's my very own little POW camp. There have been others before you. You will be my last, so I am going to make it worth my while."_

She stares at the ceiling, trying hard not to cry. Finally after hours of viscous thoughts spinning around in her head, she falls asleep. She wakes after only an hour of sleeps. She jerks into consciousness, in a cold sweat. Another nightmare about Maura. Nightmare? A dream? More like reality, pushed into her subconscious, that comes out to haunt her, in her sleep.

* * *

><p>She climbs out of her bed. She pulls the blanket around her. Her bare feet hit the floor. Her toes curl in protest. She moves to the window, with the blanket wrapped around her. This by far, was the coldest winter she had seen in years. Maybe it just seems that way, after all, the cold, dark, emptiness is much closer to her now. It's inside, instead of outside her window, where it belongs.<p>

She stares at the window. She wipes the window with her sleeve. She looks outside, at the street. Cars are parked below. Not a single one moves. There isn't a soul on the street. The streetlamp flickers. It draws her attention. Her eyes flutter down the sidewalk, to the stoop, below her. She notices that only one porch light is functioning. The stoop is dim. It is surrounded by shadows. She squints, at something sitting on the porch. In the shadows it almost looks like a figure. A human figure.

Maura? No, her subconscious is creeping up on her again. She shakes her head, blinks, and refocuses her eyes. This time she focuses on what's sitting on the stoop. It could be a person, or a bag of trash. She tilts her head, attempting to look at it, in a different angle. That's when she notices.

A foot. There is clearly a defined foot. A human foot. A bare human foot. Maybe it is just some kid playing a prank. But what if it isn't? What if it is a person, and she lets them freeze to death. She's no weather girl, but by her calculations it can't be more than ten degrees out there.

She returns the blanket to the bed. She slips on her coat, and her boots, on her way out the door. She grabs her flashlight, and trots down the hall, towards the stairs. She jogs down the stairs. As she nears the exterior doors, the colder it becomes. She stops at the doors, and hesitates, for a moment. What if this was a trick.

She shakes off the gnawing feeling in the pit of her stomach. She pulls the door open. As the door opens a cold gust of wind blows in. It takes her breath away. She steps onto the stoop. She focuses on the dark, crumpled thing, in the corner. She moves closer. She turns on her flashlight.

The thing, becomes a person. A familiar face. Wearing little more than a navy blue, fleece blanket. She moves towards the figure. She doesn't think twice. She bends down, when she reaches her. The figure doesn't respond to the light shining in her face. Jane touches her face. She feels the cold. She touches her neck, gently, checking for a pulse. Fingers come out of the blanket, and grab her wrist.

"Are you ok?"

She just looks at Jane, but doesn't answer.

"Come on. You'll freeze to death out here," Jane helps her to her feet. As she wobbles, unsteadily, Jane realizes how weak she truly is. Not another word is said, until they reach the apartment. Jane helps her to the couch, and closes, and locks the door behind them. She goes into the closet, and pulls out several blankets. She wraps them around the woman sitting on her couch. She sits down beside her.

"Maura?"

Her eyes flit up, and land on Jane. They quickly focus on something else.

"Maura. Are you ok?"

Maura doesn't reply.

"How long have you been out there?"

Maura shrugs subtly.

"I think that we should take you to see a doctor?"

She shakes her head.

Jane nods, in understanding. She returns to her closet. She pulls out some clean clothes. She tries not to focus on Maura's pale face, or her protruding clavicle. She tries to ignore the nails that are nearly down to the quick, or the dirt beneath them. She simply hands Maura the clean clothes.

"If you wanna take a shower, and get warmed up, you can. The blow dryer is in the cabinet, under the sink. Feel free to help yourself."

Maura simply nods.

"There are clean towels in the cabinet. Do you need anything else?"

Maura shakes her head.

"Are you sure."

She nods.

"If you do let me know, ok?"

She nods again.

"Maura can I ask you something?"

Maura shrugs in response.


	3. Dying To Live Again

"Maura, how did you get here?"

Maura blinks, but doesn't answer.

* * *

><p><em>She hears the footsteps coming. She cowers in the corner, like a weak, worthless, piece of crap. He stops when he reaches her. She doesn't look at his face. She stares at his boots. His steel toed boots, that she knows all too well. <em>

_"Get up!" he barks._

_She slowly rises to her feet. When she does he smacks her across the face. She doesn't even wince. She continues to stare at his boots._

_"Look at me, when I'm talking to you."_

_She knows this trick. She stares at the floor, refusing eye contact._

_"Are you ready to die, today?"_

_She carefully formulates her answer. He has asked her that same question, every day she has been here. It is the only way she can keep track of the time. Six months, to the day. Today, she knows her answer will be different. Defeated, she is ready to give up fighting. She is ready to die. She gives a subtle nod, knowing that he watches her every move._

_He snarls, "No. I've got bigger plans for you."_

_She doesn't respond. He grabs her by the arm._

_"Come on. We're leaving."_

_This causes her to look at him. She stares at him, in confusion, for a brief moment._

_"I have a better idea. I'm going to send you home. I'm going to let you live, in agony. You don't deserve to die. That would be too good for you."_

_She doesn't answer. She just marches up the stairs, as he pushes her. _

* * *

><p>An hour later Jane emerges from her bedroom. She tiptoes down the hall, in the dark. She walks past the bathroom. She stops, in the living room. She finds Maura lying on the couch.<p>

"Maura are you asleep?" she asks, in the dark.

"No," Maura replies in a tiny voice.

"I called Frost he's going to stop by and pick up," _evidence, she thinks to herself, _"your clothes," she filters herself.

Maura doesn't respond.

"He has a key, so if you hear someone come to the door, it's just him. Ok?"

Maura doesn't say another word.

"Are you sure that you'll be ok out here, on the couch? You can have my bed."

Maura scoots further under the blankets.

"Are you warm enough?"

Jane takes Maura's lack of a response as a 'yes'. She leaves the living room, and returns to her bedroom.

When Jane wakes up, she feels as if she's being watched. She looks to her right, towards the window. All she sees is frost, on her window. She rolls onto her side. She looks at the clock. 721. She looks towards her doorway. She finds a familiar figure standing in the doorway.

"Maura, how long have you been there?"

She shrugs.

"What are you doing there?"

Maura shakes her head.

"You can come in, it's ok."

"I didn't want to wake you," Maura answers in a small voice.

"It's ok. Did you sleep well?"

She shrugs, as she moves from the doorway. Jane watches her, as she moves towards her. The sweatshirt, and sweatpants she wears look like a tent, over her thin figure. Thinner than before. Maura takes a seat, on the edge of the bed. Jane exhales.

"Look, Maura I don't know what you've been through. I don't expect you to open up, just like that. But, I'm your best friend, and if you want me to help you, you're going to have to give me more to work with. How did you get here?"

"He brought me," Maura replies, quietly.

"Why?"

"He's not done with me, yet," Maura answers.

"Not done with you, yet? What does that mean?"

Maura shrugs, and shakes her head.

"I don't mean to be harsh, but what makes you special? Why didn't he kill you?" Jane starts with a tough question.

She purses her lips. She makes brief eye contact with Jane. She shakes her head. Jane notices the hollow, distant look in her eyes.

"What did he say to you, before he brought you here?"

"That I didn't deserve to die."

"Didn't deserve to die?" Jane furrows her brow.

"I am not good enough, for that," Maura reveals.

"Oh, Maura," Jane scoots towards her. Maura doesn't flinch, but her body goes rigid. Jane stares at the gash above Maura's eye.

"Maura someone should look at that. It could get infected."

"It's fine," Maura argues.

"No. It's not fine. You're not fine. None of this is fine," Jane begins to raise her voice. She stops, when she notices the look of panic in Maura's eyes. She softens her tone, and continues, "Listen, Maura, I know that you've been through Hell. I know things will take time to heal. I also know you can't do it on your own. You need help. You have to accept help. To heal your physical, and psychological wounds. Ok?"

"I..." she begins. A lump forms in her throat, and she stops.

"Ma has been taking care of Bass. I think that she's overfeeding him. She's not an expert on turtle care," Jane changes the subject.

Maura's expression remains unchanged.

"Maura, if you want to talk, I'm here to listen."

"I know," she responds, softly.

"Is there anything you can tell me, to help the investigation?"

"I would prefer not to relive it."

"Anything?"

"Do you have a pen, and paper?"

Jane nods. She leaves the room, and returns with a sketch pad, an ink pen, and a pencil. She waits, as Maura draws. She draws two pictures. The first one she rips off, and hands to Jane. Jane studies the first picture, as she completes the second. The first picture is of the basement, that Maura was kept in. The second picture, of her abductor. She hands it to Jane.

Jane studies it, carefully. She looks at Maura, and smiles, for a second.

"I never knew that you were so talented."

Maura furrows her brow.

"I didn't know that you could draw. These are amazing."

Maura doesn't respond. Jane just looks at her. She realizes that the Maura she once knew, is gone. This knew Maura lacked confidence, and self-esteem. This Maura had seen terrible things. She had lived through things that people are never meant to live through. This Maura is not the same, because this Maura is broken pieces, contained in a shell of what used to be.


	4. Weightless

The car ride is silent. Jane's phone vibrates at least a dozen times, during the ride. She ignores it, choosing to focus on the road. They pull into a parking space. Jane puts the car into park. Maura hesitantly follows her into the building.

Maura looks around the office. The waiting room is empty. There is no receptionist waiting at the desk, behind the window. The door that leads to a hallway, full of doors, stands wide open. Jane heads for the door. Maura touches, her arm, gently. She doesn't say a word. She just looks at Jane, questioningly.

Jane smiles, "A friend of mine. She owes me a huge favor."

"A doctor?" Maura guesses.

"Don't get your feelings hurt. She's not quite a doctor. She's a nurse practitioner."

Maura nods, and follows Jane through the door. Next to a set of scales, a woman waits. She wears a pair of slacks, a dress shirt, and a lab coat. She smiles, and points Maura to the scale.

"Hi, Maura. I'm Grace."

Maura doesn't reply. She simply slips off Jane's sneakers. Jane had come to realize how serious the situation is, when Maura didn't protest about wearing her shoes. She steps onto the scale. She turns around, so that she can't see the number.

Grace balances the scale. Jane stares at the number, in silence, as Grace jots the number down. She quickly measures Maura's height, and then asks her to put her shoes back on. Once Maura's shoes are tied, she leads them into a room. Jane stands in the doorway, as Maura situates herself on the exam table. Grace collects some supplies.

"Do you want me to stay?" Jane questions, softly.

Maura shakes her head, subtly.

"Ok. I'm going to go wait in the waiting room, if you need me."

Maura nods, in understanding. Jane leaves the room, closing the door behind her. She takes a seat, in front of the coffee table. She thumbs through the magazine. She settles on _Women's Day. _She flips through the pages, slowly reading, and re-reading the articles, as Maura is being examined.

Grace carefully pulls the sea-foam green scrubs out of the cabinet. She places them on the counter, next to the sink, under the cabinet. Maura watches her. Grace moves slowly.

"You would probably be more comfortable in these, wouldn't you? We can trade."

Maura reads between the lines, _'This will fit you better. You'll look less like a skeleton.'_ She smiles, graciously, for a brief second, and nods in agreement, totally agreeing, with the subtext.

"I'll examine you, and then you can put those on. Jane wants me to take pictures is that alright with you?"

Maura nods.

"Dr. Isles, she would also like me to perform an SAE kit. She told me, that if you said it wasn't necessary, or that you didn't want it, that would be ok."

Maura shakes her head.

"No, you don't want me to do it? Or no it won't be necessary."

Maura shakes her head, "You should do it," she responds, in a tiny, hoarse voice.

"Ok, then," Grace grabs her kit. She carefully reads, and re-reads in instructions. She has performed more of these, than she can count, but this is one thing that has to be done to the letter, to be of any use.

"I am going to go head to toe. I'll be making a few stops along the way. Did you shower?"

Maura nods.

"That's ok."

Maura zones out, as Grace examines her. She is brought back to reality, as Grace scrapes under her nails. Maura makes brief eye contact.

"Am I hurting you?" Grace inquires.

"No."

Grace continues with her exam. She collects evidence, and takes pictures of Maura, as she goes. She documents each abrasion, and contusion. All, in different stages of healing. The picture begins to paint itself. An abrasion to the eye. A yellow bruise on the cheekbone, under the other eye. A nearly healed break, of the nose. A busted lip. Bruises, in the shape of a hand, around her neck. Cuts, and scrapes on her fingers, hands, and palms. And that is just what can be seen, around the clothing.

Grace takes a deep breath, in preparation for her next move. Maura looks at her. She understands, and pulls the sweatshirt over her head. Grace is feels disappointment, and relief when she sees that Maura is wearing a t-shirt, too. She carefully begins with the chest. Healed clavicle fracture. Dislocated shoulder.

"When was your shoulder dislocated?"

"Yesterday afternoon," Maura reveals.

"Would you like me to put it back into place?"

Maura nods.

"Would you like me to get you something, for pain. I know how painful it can be. I dislocated my shoulder a couple years ago, when I went skiing."

"Just do it," Maura responds.

Grace nods. "Ready?"

Maura nods, in agreement.

Grace quickly, and skillfully puts the shoulder back into its proper place. Maura doesn't wince, or moan. She doesn't make a single sound. She breathes a sigh of relief. She looks at the bruises all over Maura's arms, more fingerprints. She stops when she reaches Maura's wrists. It occurs to her that she has been bound, for some time. Maura anticipates her next move. She tips her hand up. Grace pushes on it. Maura attempts to keep her from pushing it back down, but is unsuccessful. She notes the broken index finger, on the right hand.

"Can you hold a scalpel?"

"I can barely hold a pencil."

Grace's stomach does a flip flop. She waits for Maura. Maura slips the t-shirt off, over her head. More bruises, and contusions, on the back, chest, and abdomen. Grace listens to her heart, lungs, and bowel sounds. She gently palpates Maura's stomach.

"Goes that feel tender or hurt?"

Maura shakes her head. Grace stops, for a moment. She palpates the abdomen, again. She looks at Maura. Maura doesn't say a word. She avoids her glance.

"Maura?"

"Yes?"

"Do you have any idea what I am feeling, right now?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure?"

"You are palpating my fundus," Maura says, matter of factly.

"I know. I know what I am feeling."

"Not what you were expecting, to feel?" Maura assumes.

"No," is all she can manage to get out, as her heart sinks, and her stomach does flip-flops.


	5. Normal

Grace finishes the exam. Maura pulls on the scrubs. Grace watches her leave the room, trying her hardest not to let her see the utter dismay, that she's feeling. Maura wonders into the waiting room. She finds Jane sitting in the waiting room, chewing on her cuticle, jiggling her leg. Jane looks up, upon hearing her footsteps.

"I thought you got lost in there. Are you ready to go?"

"Yes," Maura nods.

"Ma called. About a hundred times. She says that Bass misses you, and wants you to come home. Any thoughts on that?"

Maura shakes her head.

"She wants to make you dinner, but I told her that wouldn't be necessary. I told her that you would appreciate it, if she could give you some space."

"Let's go," Maura insists.

"Go where? Where are we going, after we leave? Back to my apartment, or do you want me to take you home? Are you ready to go home, and face my mother? She's going to ask you a million questions."

"Home."

"Really, home? With my mother? The helicopter mother?"

Maura nods.

"Ok," Jane leads her out of the office.

The car ride to Maura's is mostly silent. A block from Maura's house, she breaks the silence, all of a sudden.

"No party," she looks at Jane.

"No. There's no party. It's just Ma. I told her I would arrest her if she invited anyone else."

They pull into the driveway. Maura follows Jane up the driveway, to the sidewalk. Angela meets them at the door. The second that they step in the door, Angela is waiting.

"Come here," Angela motions for Maura.

Maura steps forward. Jane expects her to tense up, in Angela's arms. But, for the first time, since finding Maura on her porch step, she sees Maura relax. Angela lets go. She smiles, widely, to avoid crying.

"I know that you said no dinner, but I had to make something. I made you some chocolate pudding. I know how much you like pudding."

"Thanks."

"Would you like me to get you some?"

Maura nods.

"Come on," Angela motions.

They follow her into the kitchen. Angela hands Maura a bowl of pudding, and a spoon.

"I don't get any?" Jane questions.

"No. This is Maura's pudding."

"Ma!"

"Jane you do not need any pudding. I made you brownies, yesterday."

"I know."

"Did you eat all of them, already?"

"What are you, the food police?"

"As, a matter of fact, I am," Angela replies.

When they redirect their focus to Maura, they find her sitting on a barstool, and the counter. She stares at them, with an empty bowl of pudding in her hands.

"You've missed my pudding?"

Maura nods, "Thank you."

"See, Jane. She appreciates when I make something for her. I don't even get a thank you, out of you."

"Thank..." Jane begins.

"No," Angela waves, "It's too late now."

"Maura are you going to stay her tonight, with this crazy woman?" Jane questions.

"It's her house, Jane."

"I know, I just want to make sure, that she's going to be ok, here."

"I'll be fine."

"Do you want anything from the grocery store, Maura? Anything special?"

Maura shakes her head.

"I'll get some pancake mix. I'll make you pancakes in the morning. I'll be back in a little while. I want to get there, and back, before it gets dark."

"Ma, it's eleven o'clock in the morning."

"I know, but the lines get so long."

"Whatever," Jane rolls her eyes.

Angela grabs her purse, and leaves the room. Jane stares at Maura, and her empty bowl of pudding.

"What did you do with the pudding?" Jane quizzes.

Maura furrows her brow, in confusion.

"You expect me to believe that you ate it, that fast?"

"I did."

"All of it? Your throat is so raw that you can barely talk."

Maura points to the drawer. She pulls it out, some. Jane peeks inside. She finds 3/4 of the bowl of pudding in the trash.

"You didn't want to hurt her feelings?"

Maura shakes her head, "She'll stop feeding me."

"I should have Ma pick up your prescriptions, while she's out."

Maura shakes her head.

"Why not?"

"They won't be filled until the morning."

"Should I pick them up, in the morning?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"You have to work."

"So? I can stop by on my way."

"It's not on your way."

"Maura. I want to."

"No."

"Fine, but will you at least hydrate yourself?"

Maura slides off the stool, and grabs three bottles of water out of the fridge. She sits them on the counter, in front of her.

"Good. Maura?"

"Hm?"

"Can a turtle be morbidly obese?"

"No."

"Are you sure, about that."

"Yes, why?"

Jane points to the tortoise, slowly rounding the corner. "I think Ma's been slipping him miracle grow."

Maura shoots her a look.

"I'm being ridiculous?"

Maura nods. Bass stops at Maura's feet.

"Do you want me to stay here, tonight?"

"No."

"You're sure?"

"Yes."


	6. Dropping Bombs

Angela looks across the table, at Maura. Jane has left, and it's just the two of them. Maura picks at her mashed potatoes. Angela slips the plate from under her fork. She scrapes the contents into the trash, and sets the plate into the sink.

"What's on your mind. You've barely said a word, since you got here."

"Nothing."

"Nothing? Maura, it's way more than nothing."

"Maybe."

"You look exhausted. You should get some rest. It's getting late."

Maura nods in agreement. She retires to her room. She takes a shower, and changes into a pair of her own pajamas. Pajamas that barely stay around her waist, without falling off. She tightens the drawstring of the silk pajamas, and climbs into bed. She slides under her Egyptian cotton sheets, and down comforter. She had forgotten what it was like to sleep in her own bed. Yet, somehow even amidst the rich cotton fabric, something just doesn't feel right. Maura tries to ignore the nagging feeling ,the incessant thoughts. The thoughts swirl, as she stares into the darkness. She blinks, trying to will them away. It proves unsuccessful. Eventually sleep finds her, after rounds in the ring, battling. She gives in, because of sheer exhaustion.

She dozes off, for ten minutes. She returns to consciousness, before the dreams can find her. She lies in the bed, restlessly. She hears footsteps, coming up the steps. They start down the hall, towards her bedroom. They stop, in the doorway. The door creaks, as it opens. She rolls over, to face the figure in the doorway. It moves towards her, stopping at the edge of her bed.

"Maura? Are you asleep?"

"No."

"Did I wake you?"

"No."

"I just came up to check on you. Do you need anything?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"You've been up here for hours. Maybe you could fall asleep, if I stayed up here, with you," Angela suggests.

Maura ponders this.

"I can sleep on the floor."

"No," Maura responds, quickly.

"No you don't want me to stay up here?"

"Don't sleep on the floor."

"You want me to stay?"

"Yes."

"With you?"

"Uh huh."

"Where?"

"Here," Maura scoots over.

Angela climbs into the bed, on top of the covers. Maura rolls onto her side, with her back facing Angela. She hugs her knees close to her chest.

"Go to sleep Maura," Angela coaxes.

"I can't."

"You see things, in your dreams?" Angela guesses.

Maura doesn't reply.

"I know that you do. Just close your eyes, and pretend that you're at the beach. You'll have pleasant dreams. About the ocean, and sun, and the sand. Doesn't that sound nice?"

"Umhm."

"Maura, just close your eyes, and go to sleep, ok? If you have a bad dream, I'm just right over here, on the other side of the bed."

"Ok," Maura agrees.

She closes her eyes, and listens as Angela hums. Eventually she drifts off to sleep. Angela wakes up hours later, before Maura. She feels the heat radiating, from Maura's side of the bed. She hears Maura moaning, and anticipates the nightmare to jolt her back into reality, soon. Maura begins tossing, and turning. Finally, Angela wakes her.

"Maura," she whispers, "wake up."

Maura's eyes open. She sits up. She is twisted in sheets, and drenched in sweat.

"You're ok. You're at home. I'm right here, with you. You're safe. Jane is just a phone call away. No one can hurt you, here."

Maura's breathing slows. She begins to breathe normally, again. She feels Angela slide out of bed. Angela wanders into the bathroom. Maura listens to the running water. Angela returns, instants later. She hands Maura the cold wash cloth. Maura wipes her face off. When she's done Angela returns the washcloth to the bathroom.

She shuffles back into the bedroom, she turns on the lamp.

"Is that better?"

Maura nods.

"Slide out," Angela insists.

Maura slides out of the bed. Angela fixes the bed clothes. She points to the bed, and Maura climbs back in. Maura looks at her.

"Thank you. You know you don't have to take care of me."

"I don't see anyone else her to do it."

"You're not my mother."

"No, but I am a mother, and you need one, right now. You need a mother, any mother, it doesn't have to be yours."

"Have..."

"Your parents have been contacted. They know that you're safe. Thought I doubt they noticed that you were gone," Angela stops as soon as she realizes what she's said. She starts to apologize, "I'm sorry, that was insensitive."

"It was true."

Angela flips the light back off. Maura settles back under the covers. She closes her eyes, and tires to fall back to sleep. Angela's soothing voice attempts to guide her back to sleep.

"You know, I think tomorrow, I'm going to make you some soup. It's the perfect weather for soup. Maybe chowder. No, maybe some plain chicken noodle soup. What do you think? Does that sound good? If not, I'll make something else. You just tell me, what you want, and I'll make it."

Maura doesn't answer. Angela breaks the silence, between them, in the king sized bed. "Maura, did you hear me? How does that sound?"

Maura feels the crushing weight, on her chest. The words that tumble out next, she cannot recall. She feels them coming, but cannot stop them. She formulates an answer of her own. One that is virtually unrelated.

"I'm pregnant," she says, in response.

This time Angela is the one who is speechless.


	7. Sleep On It

She swallows hard. She rolls over, and flips on the lamp. She studies the expression on Maura's face. Finally she processes this information, and is able to formulate a response.

"What do you mean, you're pregnant?"

"I'm pregnant," Maura exhales.

"You think that you are?"

"No. I am certain of it."

"How certain?"

"It has been confirmed."

"I see. So what are you going to do?"

Maura's eyes meet hers. She stares at Angela with a look of fear, and uncertainty in her eyes. She shakes her head. She shrugs her shoulders. She finds herself having difficulty answering. The tears begin down her cheeks, before the words come.

"I don't know," she admits.

Angela pulls her into a hug. "That's ok," she reassures her.

"I'm sorry," Maura responds.

Angela lets go, and looks at her, "Sorry for what?"

"I shouldn't be dragging you into this. I just..."

"Maura, it's ok. You have nothing to feel bad about."

"I do," she disagrees.

"Maura you need to sleep."

"How am I supposed to sleep?"

"Is there anything I can do to help you?"

"No."

"Do you want me to go back to..."

Before Angela can finish the sentence Maura replies, "No. Please stay."

"Ok," Angela agrees.

"Thank you."

"Maura? Can I ask..." Angela begins.

"Ask what?"

"How pregnant?"

"Twenty weeks."

"Oh," Angela's heart sinks.

"What am I supposed to do?"

"Whatever you want to do."

"It's not fair. It isn't a choice that I should have to make."

"I know. How long have you known?"

"I should have known, earlier."

"What do you mean?"

"I am a doctor. I know the signs, and symptoms associated with pregnancy. I guess, I just..."

"Chalked it up to something else?"

"Until a couple of weeks ago."

"Maura, we can talk about this in the morning," Angela suggests.

"Ok," Maura agrees, rolling over to go to sleep. She sighs in relief.

Angela rolls over, onto the other side of the bed. She flips off the lamp.

Neither of them sleep well. Eventually Maura falls into a deep sleep. Angela wakes at the crack of dawn. She sneaks out of the room, down the stairs, into the kitchen. She starts a pot of coffee.

Two hours later Jane shows up. Angela shh's her, as she enters the house. She ushers her into the kitchen, and pours her a cup of coffee.

"Are you going to work today?" Angela questions.

"Yeah."

"Good."

"Are you?"

"No. I am going to stay here with Maura."

"Is she up, yet?"

"No, she's still sleeping."

"Long night?"

"It was a rough night."

"I think that she's afraid to sleep."

"Can you blame her?" Angela wonders.

Jane shakes her head, "Not after what she's been through."

"You should get to work," Angela tries to shoo her.

"I wanted to check on her, before I went."

"She's fine. I just checked on her. She's sleeping. Leave her alone. She needs the sleep. I'll have her call you when she wakes up, ok?"

"Ok," Jane agrees.

Ten minutes after Jane leaves Maura comes down the stairs. She marches down the stairs in baggy silk pajamas. She plants herself on a barstool, that sits next to the island. She places her elbows on the counter. Her head rests on her fists.

"You don't look very happy to be awake."

"I'm not," she admits.

"Coffee?"

"I haven't had coffee in... months."

"I just made a fresh pot. Would you like some?"

"I would, but I don't think that my stomach can handle it."

"Green tea? We have peppermint. It's delicious."

"That sounds good."

Angela pulls out a tea kettle, and places it on the stove.

"Jane stopped by. I told her that you would call, when you woke up."

"I think that I'm probably going to go back to bed. I'm still exhausted."

"You should eat something, are you hungry?"

"No."

"You have to eat."

"I..."

"I'll make you whatever you want. What sounds good?"

"Nothing. How long have you been awake?"

"For hours. What do you want to eat? I can make you some bunny pancakes."

"No, thank you."

"How about some toast, and apple sauce?"

"Ok," Maura concedes.

Angela puts a slice of toast, cut corner to corner in front of Maura. She adds a cup of freshly brewed tea, and a cup of apple sauce. She watches as Maura struggles to finish.

"Maura, if you can't eat it all, you don't have to."

Maura nods. She leaves half a slice of toast, and some applesauce. She finishes her tea.


	8. Just Listen

The following night, she is able to sleep through the night. She wakes early, and joins Angela in the kitchen, as she makes the first pot of coffee.

"Any thoughts, this morning?" Angela questions.

"I think that I should go back to work, this morning."

"So soon? You will be bombarded."

"No, I won't."

"Everyone is giving you your space, because you just got home, but if you go to work, they will quickly forget about you, and your space. It's like having half a dozen over protective brothers. It's sweet, but incredibly annoying."

"I have to go back at some point."

"It doesn't have to be today. I think that you should give it another day."

"That's what you think?"

"Yes," Angela nods.

"What do you really think?"

Angela doesn't respond.

"You can tell me," Maura reassures her.

"Tell Jane," is Angela's response.

"Tell her what?"

"The situation."

"She doesn't have to know."

"You should talk to someone, you know."

"I am talking to you."

"A professional."

"I have an appointment, tomorrow," Maura admits.

"Good for you. In the mean time, have you thought about what you're going to do?"

"That is all I do."

"And?"

"I don't want to think about it anymore."

"Then don't."

"But..."

"I really think that you should talk to Jane."

"She's busy."

"Maura, you need to talk to her."

"Why?"

"Because she's your best friend."

"And?"

"She'll be hurt, if you don't tell her."

"I do not tell her everything."

"I know that, but this is important."

"I'll talk to her, if I get the chance."

"Fine," Angela concedes.

"Where is my phone?"

"In evidence," Angela reminds.

"Right," Maura nods.

Maura wonders into her room. She grabs some clothes, and heads into her bathroom. She showers, and tries to avoid the mirror. She blow dries her hair. After a quick glance in the mirror she concludes that it is time for a hair cut. She pulls her hair back, in an uncharacteristic pony tail. She wonders to her closet. She stands frozen. In a closet full of clothes, she feels anxiety about what to wear.

She tries on three dresses. None of them fit. They're too loose in all the wrong places. They all hang wrong, and accentuate the wrong areas. She finds a small section devoted to scrubs. For a while she had kept them all at work, but having a few extra pair, around the house, or in the car, to change into had proven to be handy. She pulls on a white long-sleeved t-shirt, and a pair of black scrubs.

She doesn't bother to apply make-up. She doesn't even check her appearance in the mirror, again, before leaving the house. The superficial part of her, that had once cared what she looked like, has disappeared. She pulls on a pair of sneakers, and heads down the stairs.

When Jane walks into the morgue she expects the same monotonous crap she has grown accustomed to in the past six months. She walks into the morgue, with her head down. She carefully reads a report that is secured in a manila folder. She places the folder on the metal table. She rests her elbows on the table, and continues to read. Maura clears her throat.

"Go ahead. I can read and listen," Jane reveals.

"I am aware of your multitasking abilities. I would really like if I could have your full attention."

"Yeah, ok, in a minute, Maura," she replies.

Maura stands next to the body on her table. She folds her arms across her chest. She wears black scrubs, with a white long sleeved t-shirt underneath. Her hair is neatly brushed into a pony tail.

"Are you done?"

"What, Maura?"

"Jane!"

Jane looks up, and finds Maura looking at her. A smile creeps across Jane's face.

"Maura? What are you doing here?"

"My job," she answers.

"Why are you here?"

"I work here, at least the last time I checked."

"The last time I checked you were at home."

"I can only stay home for so long."

"But..."

"I need to be here."

"Are you sure about this?"

"Yes, absolutely. Now, would you like to know what I have?"

"Yes."

"I found particulate matter in her nasal mucosa."

"Cocaine?" Jane guesses.

"No," Maura shakes her head.

"Are you certain?"

"Yes. The toxicology report is not back yet, but it was definitely not cocaine."

"Ok."

"When you have a minute, we should talk," Maura suggests.

"I'm free now."

"Not here."

"What's going on?"

"We just need to talk."

"Ok," Jane agrees.

Hours later Jane hops on the elevator, to head home. When she reaches the lobby she finds Maura waiting on her.

"You're waiting on me?"

"I thought that you could walk me to my car."

"Of course."

"Jane?"

"Huh?"

"When can I get it back?" Maura questions.

"Oh, that's right, we have your car, and your phone."

"I got a new phone."

"New number?"

"No, same number."

"Do you need mine?"

"No. My contacts were restored."

"So, how did you get here, this morning?"

"Your mother drove me."

"She isn't waiting to pick you up?" Jane teases.

"No, I told her that you would give me a ride home."

"Because?"

"I need to talk to you."

"Maura I..."

"You don't have to say anything, just listen."


	9. Some Nightmares Never End

"Do you ever feel like your nightmares are never going to end?" Maura begins.

"Yeah, some days," Jane admits.

"Mine, probably never will. I don't know if my scars will ever heal."

"Maura you're scaring me. What is going on? Are you afraid that we're not going to catch him, that he's going to come back?"

"I fear that everyday, but more than that..."

"More than that? What can you fear, more than that?"

"That I will never love my," her voice cracks, and she stops, abruptly, as if her voice-box is physically blocked.

"Your what? What are you talking about."

"My own child."

"Child? Maura are you on something? You're not making any sense."

"I know. I don't know how to explain."

"Start with your words."

"I am going to have a child."

"Yes, one day you will. Why are you bringing that up? Something on your mind?"

"No, you don't understand," Maura shakes her head.

"Clearly."

"I'm pregnant."

"You're what?"

"Pregnant."

"Oh," Jane's mouth suddenly feels dry.

Maura waits for more of a response, but Jane doesn't continue. She just stares at Maura, in disbelief. She doesn't ask the question, on her mind. She doesn't act rationally, at all. She gets up, and heads for the door.

"Where are you going?" Maura asks.

Jane doesn't answer, she just leaves the room. Hours later, as Maura lies in bed, she grows more and more concerned. She picks up her phone, and dials Frost.

"Have you heard from Jane?" she questions.

"No," he replies, "Why?"

"She left earlier, and I haven't heard from her since."

"Did you try calling her?"

"It keeps going straight to voicemail."

"She's probably just out of cell phone range."

"That's what I'm worried about."

"What did she say to you, before she left?"

"Nothing."

"What did you say to her?"

"I'll tell you later."

"It must be something, for you to be calling me so late."

"I think she went to find him."

"Who?"

"Him."

"How would she find him? She doesn't know where to find him."

"But if she did..."

"She went alone? She's going to get herself killed."

"Or worse," Maura points out.

"I'm going to head in to the station. I'll see if she left anything on her computer. I'll call you back. Ok?"

"Ok," she agrees. She hangs up, and rolls over. Sleep never comes.

Three hours later Barry Frost finds himself in the middle of nowhere. He pulls up to the cabin, and notices Jane's car in the driveway, sitting under a tree. It's closer to early morning, than late night, at this point. Barry instantly realizes that Jane isn't in the car. He peeks in the window, and finds her phone lying in the seat.

Korsak's huffing, and puffing, is the only thing that Barry hears. As they wander through the bitterly cold, night air, towards the cabin, without a word, they both instinctively reach for their guns. They slowly, and quietly move onto the porch of the cabin. Frost opens the screen door, and it squeaks. If there was anyone home, they knew that they were there, now. Frost glances up at the porch light, for a moment, before looking at Korsak.

"You hear someone crying for help?" Korsak questions.

"Yes," Frost lies, with the picture of an overpowered Jane, rotting in a cellar, or basement, somewhere.

They push through the door. The quickly clear the four room cabin. Next to the pantry, in the kitchen Frost notices the door. Korsak nods, and Frost carefully opens it. With guns, and flashlights drawn, they descend the stairs. Before they reach the bottom they hear someone scraping at what sounds like concrete, with the heel of a shoe. The move towards the noise.

When they reach the bottom of the stairs they make a beeline for the noise. In the right corner of the basement they find Jane handcuffed to a rafter. She's semi-conscious. Her heels dangled against the ground. Their is a gag in her mouth. She's dirty, and bloody. Frost and Korsak are so focused on her, that they don't hear him coming. Frost feels Janes boot tapping him, at the last second. He whirls around, and lets off three shots.

The tall muscular man topples to the ground. Korsak looks at the man, and then at Jane, whose eyes are now wide open. Frost moves towards the suspect. Korsak watches closely. Frost kicks the weapon from the assailants hands. He cuffs the man, who lies face down on the floor of the basement, barely breathing.

When Korsak is satisfied that the man is not going anywhere he searches for something to use to get Jane down from the rafter. He finds a bolt cutter a few feet away. He hands it to Frost. Korsak wraps his arms around Jane's waist. With a boost, from a nearby milk crate Frost is able to cut Jane loose. Korsak carefully lowers her to the ground. Without missing a beat Frost removes the gag from Jane's mouth.

"You ok?" Korsak wonders.

"Did he hurt you?" Frost questions.

"No," Jane shakes her head, knowing exactly what her partner means, "Nothing a couple of stitches can't fix," she replies as she tastes the metallic taste of blood, from her busted lip. Her eyebrow is cut, and a bruise is beginning to form around her cheekbone. Korsak removes the handcuffs from her.

"I'm going to stop carrying handcuffs," she reveals.

"So they can't be used against you?" Frost guesses.

"Exactly," Jane nods.

"This is our guy?" Frost inquires.

"Yes," Jane replies confidently.

"If you weren't already bruised I would hurt you right now," Korsak tells her.

"I got the guy."

"What the hell were you thinking? Coming out here, alone, without back up? Without telling anyone where you were going? Jane you know better," Korsak lectures.

"What did Maura say to you?" Frost wonders.

"It doesn't matter, all that matters is that we got him."

"He can't hurt her anymore," Korsak adds.

Jane cringes at the thought.


	10. Tell Somebody

His words ring in her head, as she walks into her apartment that night. _"He can't hurt her anymore." _Her thoughts go back to finding her friend outside, in the cold winter air, discarded like a bag of trash. She showers, and tries to shake the thoughts. She climbs into bed, and tries to sleep. Sleep doesn't come. She tosses, and turns. She is entirely consumed with thought.

After several hours she finally drifts off. The sleep is short lived, as she wakes from her nightmare in a cold sweat. A nightmare about a demon spawn. She rolls over, trying to free herself from the tangled mess of covers that she's in. The clock reminds her that it is nearly time for her to go to work. She lies in her bed, staring up at the ceiling, for hours.

She walks into the morgue, with a cup of coffee in each hand. Maura doesn't look up. She smells the coffee, and announces, "I don't want any."

"Good, because I brought two cups for myself," Jane responds.

This makes Maura look up. She spins the stool around, to face Jane. She studies Jane, trying not to stare.

"You look rough."

"It was a rough night," Jane admits.

"What happened to you?"

"Nothing," Jane lies.

"That doesn't look like nothing. Did you get that checked out? Your..."

"I had an x-ray. Nothing is broken. Just a bruise, and a few stitches."

"Did you get in a fight with someone?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Are you going to tell me what's going on?"

"Nope."

"Jane I know that you were trying to play hero, last night."

"What are you talking about?"

"Frost told me."

"You've seen Frost already this morning?"

"He was just dropping in to check on me. He told me that I could breathe easier now, because you..."

"I didn't do anything."

"Jane, don't be modest."

"I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything to change what happened. I didn't remove any scars. I didn't really do anything."

"Yes you did."

"I didn't end your living hell, Maura. I just made it so that you wouldn't have to fear for your life, anymore."

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"Jane... stop being so stubborn, just accept my gratitude."

"For what?"

"Please," Maura begs.

"Fine," Jane agrees. Her phone starts ringing. She pulls it out of her pocket, "Yeah? Ok. I'll meet you in the parking lot. Bye," she hangs up.

"Frost?" Maura guesses.

"Yeah, we've got a case, so I have to go."

"Ok," Maura agrees.

Jane lets Frost drive, which is his first clue that something isn't right. When they get stuck in traffic Jane doesn't make a peep, clue two. He looks over at her, and realizes she's chewing her fingernails, clue three. As they sit in gridlocked traffic, he clears his throat, and boldly asks.

"What's bothering you?"

"Nothing," Jane lies.

"Really? You haven't said a word since we left the station."

"Nothing to say, I guess."

"Jane, what is going on with you?"

"Nothing is going on with me."

"Ok, what is going on with someone, that is bothering you?"

"Frost!" she exhales, in frustration.

He looks over at her, "Jane, you can tell me."

"No, I can't."

"Why not?"

"First of all, it's not my place to tell, and second of all I'm not allowed."

"Not allowed? Are you in the second grade, or something?"

"Frost, please just drop it."

"Jane, what made you so mad last night, that you were willing to risk your life?"

"Something Maura said."

"I know. She told me that."

"She told you?"

"She said that she told you something, and it set you off. What did she say?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yes," Frost insists.

"I..."

"You can tell me. I'm not going to tell anyone. Whatever you say to me remains between us, I'm your partner."

"Maura told me in confidence."

"She told me that she would tell me, later."

"She lied."

"Why would you say that?"

"I don't think that she's going to tell you. I don't think that she's going to tell anyone."

"So tell me."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because it will piss you off."

"Like it did you?"

"You don't understand. If you knew you would get it. You would understand why I did, what I did."

"Just tell me," he implores her.

"Frost if I tell you, you'll never be able to keep it a secret."

"Why not?"

"Because I am having a hard enough time keeping it a secret."

"You want to tell someone?"

"Yes."

"So tell me."

"I can't. You won't look at her the same. You won't be able to be around her, without her realizing that you know."

"Know what?" he probes.

"You won't be able to look at her, without making it obvious."

"Making what obvious? Jane just tell me. We're stuck in traffic, and we're not going anywhere. We've got to do something to pass the time, so we might as well talk about this."

"Fine."

"Ok, so what is it? What is the big secret?"

"She's pregnant."

He locks eyes with her. He reads the look in her eyes. He swallows hard, as he studies the expression on her face.

"Oh," is all he can choke out.


	11. Sabbatical

She finds herself at Maura's door. She stands in front of the door for nearly ten minutes, before she gets up enough courage to knock. Maura opens the door, and lets her in.

"What are you doing here?" Maura questions.

"I did something I shouldn't have done."

"Why are you here?"

"I needed to tell you."

"Tell me what?"

"Maura, I'm sorry. I am so sorry."

"What do you have to be sorry about?"

"You should have a seat."

"Jane, just tell me," she begs.

Jane shakes her head. Maura takes a seat at the counter of the island. Jane remains standing. Maura waits, for Jane to say something, but she doesn't. Jane rubs the backs of her hands, nervously. This is something Maura hasn't seen Jane do, in quite some time. Maura reminds herself this is only something that Jane does when she's anxious, or under a lot of stress.

"Jane, whatever it is, I'm sure that it can't be that bad."

"Yes, it can," Jane argues.

"Just tell me what you did."

"Please don't be mad."

"What did you do?"

"I told Frost."

"Told Frost, what?"

"I told him," Jane answers.

"Told him..." Maura trails off, making the sudden realization.

"I am so sorry. I didn't mean to. I know that it wasn't my place. I never should have shared something like that, with him. I should have let you tell him, if you wanted to tell him. I just... I should be a better friend than that."

Maura doesn't say a word. She doesn't react at all. She stares at Jane with a blank expression on her face.

"Say something," Jane begs.

"I don't know what to say."

"You can be mad at me, you can hate me."

"I have a lot of that built up inside of me, but none of it is directed at you."

"It should be."

"Why?"

"I should have found him sooner. I should have found you. I should have searched for you, until I found you. I should have been with you, that night."

"None of it was your fault."

"All of it, was my fault."

"Jane, no, it wasn't."

"Then whose fault was it?"

"Not yours. There is only one person to blame, and it isn't you."

"You aren't at fault either, Maura," Jane responds.

"I know that."

"Are you mad at me?"

"No."

"No?"

"Jane you trust Frost. You wanted to tell someone, and I understand that. It is a difficult secret to keep. I should not have expected you to keep something like that to yourself."

"Yes, you should have. I am supposed to be your best friend."

"It's ok."

"It's really not."

"Jane, don't be so hard on yourself. I'm not mad at me."

"I am. I am furious with myself. It wasn't my place to tell anyone."

"Jane, I need your opinion, on something."

"What?"

"I am thinking about taking a sabbatical."

"A sabbatical?"

"I just need some time."

"You don't want to do this, anymore?"

"I do. I just... can't do it, right now."

"How long, are you going to be gone?"

"A few months."

"Where are you going to go?"

"I don't know."

"Maura you just got back."

"I'm not going that far, I may not even leave the state, I just need to sort things out."

"For how long?"

Maura shrugs.

"You don't want people to know," Jane realizes.

"No," Maura shakes her head.

"You're ashamed?"

Maura's eyes remain fixed on Jane. She searches for the right answer, but decides that there isn't one. Jane sees the answer in Maura's eyes, '_Wouldn't you be?'_ they reply.

"You don't have anything to be ashamed about. You didn't do anything wrong," Jane reminds her.

"I don't want to have to answer all of the questions. I am going to take some time off, and start new, after everything is in order."

"How can you be so calm, and collected, about all of this?"

"I'm not."

"You seem very calm."

"I'm not on the inside," Maura reveals.

"It's ok to have emotions, you know that, right?"

"I need to get back to normal."

"Maura, I don't know if that's possible."

"Why, not?"

"First of all," Jane smiles, "I don't know if you ever were normal. But, second of all, I don't know if it is possible to ever completely recover from what happened to you."

"I have to try."

"Have you spoken to anyone?"

"You mean a counselor?"

"I meant more like a social worker," Jane clarifies.

"I have."

"And?"

"It's what I have to do. It's the only thing, I can do. It is the only part of the whole situation that I can control. I can give this child a loving family, even if I can't be it."


	12. No News

It's funny how our best laid plans, are often shot to hell, from the moment that we conceive them. Jane sits at her desk, trying to make sense of the reports from the interim medical examiner. It's been weeks since Maura's left, and the absence is noticeable, to anyone who walks through the door.

Frost glances in her direction, and she runs her fingers through her hair, in frustration, as she attempts to read the report, in front of her, in a manila folder, lying in the center of her desk. He wads up a ball of paper, and throws it at her. It hits her on the side of the head. She turns, and scowls at him.

"Lighten up," he tells her.

"I can't. I have no idea what this report says. I wish that I had a translator."

"You miss her."

"She was gone for so long before, and I just wish that she..."

"We all do," he tells her.

"I hate this new medical examiner."

"Jane, can I ask you something?"

"Sure," she nods, in agreement.

"Do you really think that she's coming back?"

"What makes you think that she's not?"

"They put the new guy's name on the door, yesterday."

"They did, what?"

"I couldn't believe it, either."

"That is unacceptable. Don't worry, I'll take the name off the door, myself."

"Jane, don't do anything crazy," he warns.

"No promises."

"When was the last time you talked to her?"

"Two weeks ago."

"That long?"

"She said that she needed more time to get settled, and that she would call when she did."

"And you haven't heard anything, since?'

"No," Jane shakes her head.

"Call her, for a consult," he suggests.

Jane picks up the phone, and dials. Maura answers, after several rings.

"Hello?" she responds.

"Hey, Maura, it's me."

"What's up?"

"This new guys sucks, and I have no idea what's in his report. Can you translate for me?"

"If you'd like."

"Are you busy?"

"No. I'm not doing much of anything. What does your report say?"

"I'll tell you in a minute. First I would like to complain."

"Go ahead."

"He refuses to answer my phone calls. He looks at me like I'm a crazy person, anytime I ask a question. He won't let me observe during autopsy. And, last, but not least, his reports are all in ten point font. The last one was sixty eight pages long, single-spaced."

"Front and back?" Maura questions.

"No."

"Then, it's not a record."

"Pretty close, right?"

"I once read one, that was seventy eight pages long."

"Yikes."

"So what is your question?"

"Cause of death is listed as pulmonary embolism, but it is listed as homicide."

"That doesn't make sense. Tell me a little more."

"The guy was shot through the heart, with a thirty eight caliber."

"It is possible that the heart continued to beat long enough that clot from the heart was circulated to the lungs, and that caused him to die."

"Why does it have to be that complicated? Couldn't he just say..."

Maura cuts her off, "Each medical examiner has their own style."

"I don't like him."

"I am sure that he's not that bad."

"He's not that good, either," Jane tells her.

"I've got to go, I'll talk to you later."

"Bye," Jane hangs up.

That night she's at home in her pajamas, lying in bed, reading over the medical examiner's report, one more time, when her phone rings. She looks at her clock, and furrows her brow, as she reaches for the phone.

"Who could be calling this late at night?" she asks aloud, as she struggles to reach the phone.

She gets an answer, as she glances at the phone, before answer.

"Maura, you know that it's three o'clock in the morning," is her first comment.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you up."

"I'm not asleep. Why are you calling so late?"

"I was just wondering if..." she trails off.

"Maura, are you alright? It sounds like you've been crying. Is everything ok?"

"I... I know that it's late, but..." she trails off.

"But what?"

"I'm on my way."

"On your way? What would possess you to drive into Boston, an hour from where you are, in the middle of the night?"

"I'm almost there."

"Maura, what's wrong? What happened?"

"I think that I'm in labor. I'm on my way to the hospital."

"There are hospitals there. Why are you on your way here? And why did you drive yourself?"

"The hospitals there are not equipped to handled a baby born at thirty two weeks. It's quicker to drive, than to get an ambulance."

"I'll meet you there. How close are you?"

"Five minutes away."

"Ok, I'm coming in my pj's, but I'll be there."

"Ok."

"Do you want me to stay on the phone, until you get there?'

"No, I think that I'll be ok."

"Are you sure?"

"No," Maura admits.

"I'm on my way, just stay calm, ok?"

"Calm went away when I woke up two hours ago, having regular contractions."

"Just focus on driving, and don't worry about the rest, ok?"

"Ok."


	13. Lose All Control

Maura wakes up, feeling groggy, and disoriented. She looks around the room. She notices the IV in her hand, first. Then she notices Jane, sitting by her side.

"When did you get here?"

"A while ago."

"What did I miss?"

"They took you for an emergency c-section," Jane tells her.

Maura struggles to remember.

"Cord prolapse," Jane reminds her.

"They took me, before you even had a chance to get here."

"They were stitching you up, by the time I made it here."

"How is the baby?"

"In the NICU, right now."

"Lungs?"

"They have her on oxygen, but she's doing pretty well."

"Not c-pap?"

"No she's doing ok."

"Have you seen her?"

"She's tiny, but she's tough."

"So, she's alright?"

"Yeah, she's perfect."

"Good."

"Are you going to be able to do this?"

"Do what?"

"Give her up?"

"Yes," Maura nods, in certainty.

"Do you want to see her?"

"I don't know," Maura admits.

"I have pictures," Jane reveals.

"Ok," Maura nods.

Jane shows Maura the picture, on her phone. The little girl is covered is covered in goo. Jane flips to the next picture. "This is after her bath. All shiny, and clean," Jane narrates.

"She's got hair," Maura comments.

"Yeah, lots, and lots of red hair."

"How big was she?"

"Four pounds, exactly."

"I don't want to go see her."

"Are you sure?"

Maura nods.

The following day, she feels much clearer. Jane steps out for coffee, and Maura convinces a nurse to take her into the NICU. Maura sits in silence, in her wheel chair, at her sleeping baby. The NICU nurse smiles at her. She offers her a gown, which Maura accepts.

"Would you like to hold her?"

Maura simply nods. The RN places the little girl into Maura's arms. She is wrapped tightly in a blanket. She wears a cap, on her head, that covers her red hair. Maura just stares at her tiny face. Her cheeks are pink.

Jane enters Maura's room, and finds it empty. She puts her coffee on the bedside table, and makes a beeline, for the nursery. She can see Maura through the window. She stops, and watches her. She quickly notices the tears streaming down Maura's face.

Maura hands the newborn back to the nurse, as Jane enters the room. Jane doesn't say a word.

"Will you take me back to my room, now?" Maura asks.

Jane nods, "Sure."

Jane wheels her back into her room. She helps Maura back into bed.

"Maura, what were you thinking, going to see her, alone?"

"I wasn't thinking."

"This changes things, doesn't it?"

"What do you mean?"

"Now you want to keep her."

"I have always wanted to keep her. I want her, she's my baby."

"I know."

"Jane, I know that it is not a good idea to keep her."

"But you're thinking about it?"

"No," she shakes her head.

"Are you sure?"

"I love her, enough to know that I can't love her enough. I want her to have a family that loves her, unconditionally. I'm not sure that I could ever do that."

"I know that this is hard for you."

"I'll be ok."

"Maura, you're making the right choice."

"I shouldn't have to make a choice, at all. I am thirty eight years old. This should be the happiest day of my life."

"I know."

"I don't want to give her to another family. I could take care of her..."

"But?"

"But I know better."

"Maura, are you sure that you can walk out of this hospital, without her, and never see her again?"

"I..." she trails off.

"You're not?"

"I never should have come to Boston."

"I am sorry for what happened to you."

"I just want everyone, to stop being sorry for me. I don't want anyone's pity. It's done, it's over."

"But it's not, because he's still in your head."

"He will always be in my head."

"Maura what happened to you, would change anyone."

"Jane, I don't know that I can do this, anymore."

"Do what?"

"Fight for justice. I don't know if I can give a voice, to those who can't speak. I..." the tears trail down her cheeks.

"You what?"

She bites her lip, "I don't know that I have any faith in humanity, anymore. After what happened... I just can't believe. Under different circumstances, I would be so happy right now. This is all that I have ever wanted."

"A family?"

"And he took that from me."

"Maura, no one says that you have to give her up."

"But everyone expects me to."

"Not everyone."

"It doesn't matter. I can't love her like she needs me to."

"Maybe you can."

"I can't. It's not ok, and it's not right. I'm never going to get over it, but at some point, I will have to move on, with my life."

"Can I tell you something?"

"Yes," Maura agrees.

"I never expected you to go through with it."

"With what?"

"Giving her up. I didn't think that you could look at her, and then just give her to someone else."

"You want me to keep her?"

"No," Jane shakes her head, "I don't."

"Why don't you think that I will go through with this?"

"Sometimes, on rare occasions, usually, at the completely wrong time, your heart overrides your head, and you lose all control."


	14. Hell On The Heart

She enters the room, and smiles, as if she's surprised.

"You're here?"

"I told you that I would be."

"It's only been a week," Jane reminds her.

"I just want my life to get back to normal."

"Maura, there is no more normal."

"As normal as possible. I know that you don't understand, but..."

"Sure I do. You just want your life back," Jane realizes.

"If it were you..."

Jane cuts her off, shaking her head, "Don't go there."

"You would have chosen differently. You're stronger than I am."

"You are the strongest person that I know," Jane tells her.

"We should get started," Maura tells her.

"We don't have a body, yet."

"We will."

* * *

><p>They work on the case until nearly midnight. Even though she's been at work for sixteen hours, Maura is disappointed when she realizes that she's going to have to go home. When she gets home she finds an empty house. She makes a beeline for the shower. She showers away the day's slime, and dirt. She gets out of the shower, and wraps herself in a towel. She garbs her pajamas. As she pulls on her shirt, her hand lingers. Her abdomen is still sore. She freezes, midway down her abdomen. She doesn't allow the shirt tail to fall into place. She finds herself staring at her incision, again. Her sutures have only come out that morning. She tries not to think about an empty womb, or the fact that she comes home to an empty home. She feels alone.<p>

In the morning when she gets up, she finds Jane sitting in her kitchen. Jane just watches her as she comes down the stairs. Maura tries to hide her grimace as she slowly moves down the stairs. She doesn't want Jane to see the pain. Jane can see right through her. Finally she reaches the kitchen.

"What are you doing here?"

"I am here to call you out," Jane admits.

"Excuse me?"

"Maura it's too soon for you to be at work. You're going to pop a stitch."

"I had them taken out yesterday, before I came to work."

"Maura quit being so stubborn. You're not ready. You are still in pain, I can see that."

"Jane I am not going to have this conversation."

"Yes you are."

"I have to come to work," Maura tells her.

"Why?"

"Because if I don't all I do, is sit here, in this empty house. I sit here, and think about everything. I don't want to think about it. I need the distraction."

"Maura you have to deal with it, at some point."

"I don't want to deal with it. I just want to forget it."

"Maura I hate to break it to you, but you are never going to forget. Just like that scar, the pain is never going to go away. You just have to learn to live with it."

"You're one to talk."

"Excuse me?"

"You never open up. You don't talk to anyone, not even your partner."

"It's different."

"You're right it is different. You didn't have someone take you away from everyone you loved for months, and torture you every single day. You didn't have to live with the fact that at some point while you were being tortured, and raped, you got pregnant, and there wasn't anything that you could do about it. You didn't have to live with someone growing inside of you every single day, knowing that you couldn't keep them. So, yeah, you're right, it's different. Don't ever tell me that you understand what I am going through, because you don't."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, please just leave," she begs.

"Maura I am not going to leave. You don't need to be alone right now."

"I am going to eat breakfast, and come to work."

"No, you're not."

"Yes I am," Maura argues.

"I am taking you to see a therapist."

"I don't need to see a therapist."

"I don't believe you."

"You don't have to," Maura reminds her.

"I think that you feel guilty."

"For what?"

"Giving your baby up for adoption."

"Jane I never want to talk about it, ever. Do you understand that?"

"Maura you have to talk about it at some point."

"Why?"

"One day you are going to fall in love. One day someone is going to ask you about that scar. You can't lie. Everyone knows what that scar is."

"Jane..."

Jane swallows hard, "And forgive me for thinking that you didn't want to do this."

"Do what?"

"You wanted to keep her."

"I am too emotionally damaged to be someone's parent now, probably ever."

"You have to get help," Jane insists.

"Why is it that you think you know what is best for me?"

"Sometimes when we're in pain we can't see the whole picture."

"And you can?"

"I know you," Jane reminds her.

"What is it that you think you know about me?"

"You already regret it."

"No, I don't."

"You already feel like you made a mistake. You feel like you're being punished for something you had no control over. All you ever wanted was a child, and when you finally had one you felt like you couldn't keep her. You felt like you shouldn't keep her. Society says you shouldn't. But Maura what is your heart telling you?"

Maura swallows hard, but she can't stave off the tears. They fall down her cheeks down like rain. Finally she answers, "That I never knew it would be this hard."


	15. Time Marches On

"Savannah," she whispers in her sleep, in the middle of a dream.

Her sleep is disturbed by something crashing to the ground. Though it's been nearly four years since her abduction she still doesn't sleep sound. She rarely sleeps through the night. She jerks into an upright position, and her eyes pop open. She controls her breathing as she surveys her surroundings. She's in her room, in her bed. She hears the sound of footsteps approaching her room quickly. Her muscle instantly become tense, and her body rigid.

She wishes she had a gun for a moment like this. The footsteps don't stop they come closer, and closer. Her heart beats faster, and faster with each passing moment.

She considers flipping on a light, but reminds herself it's like throwing up a flare screaming here I am. She wonders if she can flee. A million thought race through her head, and the footsteps refuse to cease. As she exhales she can hear them outside in the hallway.

In a split second they enter her room. She feels movement on the other side of her bed. It rolls towards her. She feels a hand touching her arm.

"Honey lay back down," he begs. She knows she should listen, but her panic doesn't cease. The footsteps stop.

"Babe," he groans.

She can feel someone watching her. She can see a shadowy figure standing at the end of her bed. Her heart rate begins to slow as she watches the figure approach the head of her bed. Her muscles begin to relax. She feels a hand on her leg. She reaches out, to touch the figure standing right next to her bed.

"Mommy," a tiny voice whispers.

"Savannah," she reaches over, and flips on the lamp.

A sheepish toddler stares up at her in a pair of purple unicorn pajamas. "Hi," she smiles.

"Maura," her bed partner growls.

Maura lifts the little girl into bed with her. Savannah lays her head on Maura's chest. Maura runs her fingers through the toddler's thick red curls.

"Mommy?"

"Savannah I thought we talked about this."

"I love you," she responds, almost purring.

"You need to sleep in your bed."

"It's too quiet in there," Savannah argues.

"You are a big girl now, and big girls sleep in their own beds."

"Mommy I want to sleep with you."

"It's not up to me," Maura reminds her.

Savannah leans back, and shoots her a sleepy smile. She puts her chubby hand on Maura's growing belly. "Baby can I sleep with mommy?"

The grouchy man lying next to Maura in bed finally rolls over, and uncovers his head. Maura looks at him, and smiles. "I believe she has something to ask you."

The toddler moves towards him. She doesn't stop until she's two inches from his face.

"Daddy why are you so sleepy?"

"Savannah it's three o'clock in the morning," he answers.

"You never want to talk to me," she pouts.

"Savannah you need to go back to bed."

"But daddy I want to sleep with you."

"No. I will take you back to your room, and tuck you in."

"Daddy. Please," she begs theatrically.

"Savannah please go back to bed."

"Daddy there is a monster under my bed."

"Really? What's his name?"

"I didn't ask," she answers with a serious look on her face.

"You are full of bologna," he tells her.

"I don't eat bologna," she argues.

"Frankie, I have to be up in two hours make up your mind," Maura warns.

He tries to be the bad cop, but the smiling tot plants a kiss on his cheek. "Daddy I love you."

He sighs, "Lay still, and no kicking."

"Tell the baby," she giggles.

Maura reaches over, and flips off the light. Savannah settles underneath the covers between them.

"Daddy, you're the best."

"Good night Savannah," he kisses her cheek.

"Mommy, I love you."

"Love you, good night," Maura kisses her forehead.

"I was thinking..." she continues.

Frankie growls, "Savannah go to sleep."

"But the baby is kicking me," she argues.

Maura tries to stifle her laugh.

"Maura that only encourages her."

"I can't help it. The baby is the only one who is actually sleeping right now."

"Well I am sure that Savannah can remedy that."

"What does that mean?" Savannah questions.

"It means that if you do not close your eyes, zip your little lips you are not going to get bunny pancakes in the morning."

"But, daddy!"

"Savannah, I'm serious go to sleep."

"Okay, Oscar," she rolls away from him.

"What did you just call me?"

Maura chuckles, "I am pretty sure she just called you a grouch."

"I guess that's what I get for letting her watch TV."

"I told you it wasn't a good idea. Her mind is like a little sponge."

"Can we have pancakes now?" Savannah suggests.

"No, it's not morning," Frankie argues.

"Mommy please," she refuses to talk to him.

"Savannah Jane, if you do not close your eyes in the next ten seconds you are going back to your own bed."

"One, two," she begins to count.

"Quiet," Frankie begs.

"My eyes are closed," she giggles.

"Savannah do you know the only time of day when a bed monkey is quiet?"

"When, daddy?"

"At night?"

"Night is not in the day," Savannah argues.

"During," Maura corrects.

"Shh! Mommy I'm tryin' to sleep. You guys just keep talking."


	16. In the Beginning

_She pulls open the door, and finds Frankie on the other side. He has a diaper bag on his shoulder. She shakes her head in confusion. _

_"What are you doing?"_

_"I was looking for Jane," he admits._

_"Frankie..."_

_He looks down at the baby sleeping in the car seat that he's holding on to._

_"I just need her for a minute, and then I promise I'll go."_

_"Why..." is all she can manage to get out._

_"I don't know how to work the bottle warmer, and... I shouldn't be here. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be insensitive. I'll just go home, and figure it out."_

_"Jane just left," Maura admits._

_"Okay," he nods, and turns to leave._

_"Frankie come in," she insists._

_He nods, and enters the house. _

_"Do you want to sit her down?" She questions._

_"I don't want to stay. Like I said, I'm just looking for Jane. I..."_

_She cuts him off, "Please."_

_He nods in agreement as he places the car seat on counter of the island. Maura looks at him for a long time before she says anything. She momentarily glances at the car seat. The baby is sound asleep with her lap covered with a tiny pink fleece blanket. _

_"I am really confused right now," she breaks the silence._

_"About the bottle warmer? I didn't read the directions, Jane told me to, but I didn't listen. I threw them away, and they picked up the garbage today, and I..."_

_Maura cuts him off, "Not what I meant."_

_"Oh."_

_"Why do you have a baby at all?"_

_"It's a long story."_

_"Did Jane put you up to this?"_

_"Up to what?" He cocks an eyebrow._

_"To this?"_

_"No," he shakes his head, "She didn't put me up to anything."_

_"Why do you have her?"_

_"I went to see her the day she was going to be discharged, and... they hadn't found a placement for her yet. They asked me if I wanted to hold her, so I did."_

_"I still don't understand."_

_"She was this sweet, happy, innocent little girl, and they were going to put her in the foster system. I just couldn't let that happen."_

_"So you brought her home? What was your plan exactly?"_

_"I didn't have one. I just had an instant connection with her. She spit up on me, and that pretty much sealed the deal. I shouldn't have come here. I am so sorry. I knew that this would be awkward. You don't have to worry about seeing me. I am going to be moving to graveyard so that Ma can watch her while I'm at work, and I can stay home with her during the day. You won't have to see her, or hear about her, or..."_

_"Stop."_

_"You want me to go?"_

_"No," she shakes her head as she lowers herself onto a barstool. He watches her as her glance shifts to the baby sitting in front of her. She exhales, and looks back up at Frankie._

_"You're going to raise her on your own?"_

_"I'll have Ma's help."_

_"What would possess you to..."_

_He cuts her off, "I don't know. I can't put it into words. I think we should go."_

_"Hold on."_

_"I don't want to upset you. I should have talked to you first, but..."_

_She cuts him off, "Frankie are you sure about this?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"You're going to raise her?"_

_"Yeah," he nods in confirmation._

_"You are willingly choosing to be a single dad to a little girl who isn't even yours?"_

_"Jane asked me the same thing."_

_"I am just trying to understand."_

_"Wouldn't you do the same for me."_

_"I am not asking..."_

_"I know that."_

_"You are full of surprises, aren't you?"_

_"I should really get going," he looks at his watch, "It's time for her to go to bed."_

_Maura looks down at her own watch, "It's seven thirty."_

_"Bedtime is at eight. I don't want to interrupt her routine."_

_"Is this something Angela implemented?"_

_"No. It was one of the recommendations in one of the books that I read."_

_"Where is Angela?"_

_"As far as I know she's in bed."_

_"She's not at your place, with you, and the baby?"_

_"No, I convinced her to go home. I have to do this on my own at some point."_

_"She's ten days old, and four and a half pounds. Doesn't that scare the shit out of you?"_

_"I don't plan on dropping her or anything. She's easy to please. As long as I keep her diaper fresh, her belly full, and don't interrupt her naptime, we're good."_

_"I can't believe that you're doing this. I can't believe that Jane didn't tell me."_

_"I asked her not to."_

_"Or Angela."_

_"I wanted to tell you myself, when the time was right."_

_"Oh."_

_"I knew you needed some time."_

_"Yeah," she nods._

_"You don't have to worry. You don't have to see her. I am putting in for a transfer to another precinct..."_

_"You don't have to do that."_

_"I should really get going. I want to get her to bed," he lifts the car seat off the counter, and turns to leave. Halfway to the door Maura stops him, "Wait."_

_He spins around to look at her._

_"What did you name her?" She asks with a lump in he throat._

_"Savannah."_

_"Oh," she responds on the verge of tears._

_"Maura I am sorry if you feel like I crossed a line. I just..."_

_She cuts him off, "I'm glad that you did."_

_"You are?" He cocks and eyebrow._

_She simply nods as she approaches him. Without a word he places the car seat on the ground. He removes the harness, and lifts the tiny little girl out of the seat. He places her in Maura's waiting arms. _

_"You want a minute alone?" He questions._

_She shakes her head, as she gazes at the baby in her arms, "No."_

_"We should go."_


	17. Confusion

_ She watches him walk out the door with the baby. She stands in the doorway long after he's gone feeling as if her heart has been ripped out, and stomped on. After a long hot shower she pulls on some pajamas, and climbs into bed. Her heart aches, and she obsessively rubs the line across her stomach from the c-section incision._

_ He sits on the edge of his bed, half asleep staring into a basinet. He watches the little girl as she sleeps. He wonders how one day, one life could change everything. He had never wanted to be a father. He never anticipated this. He didn't know that there could be such a connection with another human being. He flips out the lamp, and crawls underneath his covers. _

_ Slowly she drifts into unconsciousness. Her breathing slows, and her heart beat normalizes as her body gives into exhaustion. _

* * *

><p><em>He awakens a couple of hours later to the sound of a crying baby. He rubs his eyes as he rises from his bed. He scoops up the newborn, and places a pacifier in her mouth. He treks to the kitchen, and makes a bottle. He flips on the lamp in his living room, and makes himself at home in the recliner. He stares at the little girl as she drinks her bottle. He smiles at her, as she remains focused on her bottle.<em>

_"Savannah," he whispers. Her eyes drift upwards to the sound of his voice. She furrows her brow, and continues to suck. _

_ Eventually she finishes, and he elicits one last burp. She presses her head against his shoulder as he pats her back to sleep. He kisses the back of her head. He decides to stay in the recliner, and enjoy the moment for a few more seconds. A few more seconds turns into a few more minutes, which ends up with him sound asleep, too. _

* * *

><p><em>She jerks into consciousness after only a couple of hours, for no apparent reason. She lies in bed, with her eyes open, listening to her surroundings. Other than the clock on the wall, and the sound of her own breathing, the house is silent. <em>

* * *

><p><em>The following morning he awakens to the sound of someone banging on his door. His eyes pop open, and he looks around. There are several empty bottles on his coffee table, and he's still in his recliner. He looks down at the sleeping baby on his chest. There is a puddle of drool on his t-shirt. He carefully puts the legs of the chair down, and heads to the door, with the baby in one arm. He peeks out the peephole, and unlocks the door. He pulls the door open, and a familiar face enters the apartment.<em>

_"What are you doing here?" He cocks an eyebrow._

_"I overheard a conversation Jane, and your mom were having yesterday, so I just had to come see for myself."_

_"See what, Frost?"_

_"Your domesticated side," he jokes._

_"Ha, ha."_

_Frost holds up a bag, "I brought a present."_

_"I kind of have my hands full right now, but thanks."_

_"I can fix that."_

_"You're not afraid of a baby?"_

_"Let me see her," he begs._

_Frankie carefully places the sleeping baby in Frost's arms. Frost studies the baby as Frankie removes the tissue paper from the gift bag. His dimples reveal themselves as he pulls out a Red Sox onesie._

_"Thanks."_

_"Can you explain this to me?" Frost questions._

_"I'll try," Frankie nods._

_"How did you end up with Maura's baby?"_

_"I went in the nursery to see her the day that she was being discharged."_

_"And you thought it would be a good idea to bring her home with you?"_

_"When I got there she was crying her head off. The nurse asked if I wanted to hold her, and I was kind of hesitant. Finally she convinced me, and I took her, and she stopped. I sat in a rocking chair with her, and just looked at her. She stared up at me with these big bright eyes, just like she had been waiting on me."_

_"You don't even like babies," Frost reminds him._

_"I can't explain it. The nurse made some comment that she was a daddy's girl. She thought I was her dad."_

_"And you didn't correct her, and in order to impress the hot nurse you brought the baby home?"_

_He shakes his head, and furrows his brow, "Give me my kid back."_

_Frost grins, and returns Savannah to Frankie. "Please continue."_

_"Anyway, she said it, and I looked at Savannah, and it was like a light bulb went off. It was like a switch flipped. And while I'm sitting there holding her I keep thinking how nice of a ring it has to it. It was like the bond was instant, and when they told me they hadn't found a placement for her yet I didn't hesitate. I just felt like she was meant to come home with me."_

_"How is that going to work out? You have to see Maura every single day."_

_"I am planning on switching shifts, and possibly moving to another precinct."_

_"Wow, I never thought that I would see the day."_

_"One day you'll understand."_

_"So how are you going to tell Maura?"_

_"I clumsily did so last night. I was looking for Jane."_

_"At Maura's?"_

_"It seemed like a good idea, until I realized that I couldn't leave the baby in the car while I went inside to find Jane. It all went to hell in a hand basket from there."_

_"I imagine it was awkward."_

_"Incredibly."_

_"Was Maura angry?"_

_"She was quiet."_

_The phone in the pocket of his pajama bottoms begins to ring. He pulls it out, and answers it. _

* * *

><p><em>He enters her house a couple hours later after managing to squeeze a shower into his busy schedule. She greets him at the door, and leads him into the living room. He places the baby, who sleeps in her car seat, on the coffee table. The seat is covered with a blanket. He opens the conversation.<em>

_"Maura why did you want me to come over?"_

_"I told you, we need to talk."_

_"If you don't agree with my decision, I can totally understand, but you need to know that I'm not going to change my mind. If you don't want to see mea again, that's fine. You don't have to see us again."_

_"That's not why I called."_

_"Why did you call, then?"_

_"Because last night I lied awake most of the night, thinking about her."_

_"I understand."_

_"And I think that I made a mistake."_

_"You think you made a mistake? Maura you can't just change your mind."_

_"I have every legal right..."_


	18. Fight For Love

_He cuts her off, "Do you really think that the best place for her is with you, right now? Do you truly think that you are ready to raise her in the emotional state that you're in?"_

_"That's unfair she's my..."_

_He stops her in her tracks, "You didn't want her."_

_"Now I do. It's too painful to think about her being raised by someone else, even if it is you."_

_"She has a name," he reminds her._

_"I am sorry if it hurts you, but I want her," she insists as tears roll down her cheeks._

_"You can't have her. Savannah is mine," he spells out in no uncertain terms._

_"Then I guess we're going to have to compromise."_

_"Compromise? I am not just going to give up my daughter because you changed your mind."_

_Maura stares at him in disbelief, "She's not your daughter."_

_"She needs a parent who is going to be stable, and un-wavering in their love. She needs someone who isn't going to have her best interest at heart. Can you be certain you can provide her with that? Can you really say that you can love her unconditionally?"_

_"I want to be part of her life. She's mine."_

_"You can see her whenever you want," he tells her._

_"I want to be her mother."_

_"Then prove it."_

_"I don't have to prove anything to you," she argues._

_"Why can't you see that I am just trying to protect her. Someone has to."_

_"I shouldn't have to prove anything to you."_

_"Maura I am not doing this to spite you. I am doing this for her sake. You should understand that. I just need to know that you're ready for this. I need to know that you're not going to crack. I have to be certain that this isn't going to push you over the edge."_

_"I don't know if I can promise you that."_

_"Then I can't just hand her over to you."_

_"What do you propose?"_

_"We can start with some supervised visitation."_

_Her nostrils flare in frustration, but her brain tries to remain entrenched in logic, "You're right. Nobody should trust me alone with her, right now. I am not entirely sure that I trust myself to be alone with her, right now."_

_"Okay."_

_"But I don't want to have to ask permission. I want to be able to see her whenever I want."_

_"I can't drop everything because..."_

_"I have plenty of room here. Would you be willing to stay here, with her? I have seen your apartment. It is not very accommodating for a baby."_

_"You want me to stay here? For how long?"_

_She shrugs, "However long it takes."_

_"You understand that I'm not going to walk away from this, right? I'm not going to walk away from her. I made a commitment to her. I signed on the dotted line, and vowed to be her parent. You wanting her back is not going to change my mind."_

_"I have never even heard you talk about wanting to be a parent. Where is this coming from?"_

_"I didn't know that I wanted to be, but when I saw how tiny, and innocent she was... something changed inside of me. The instant I held her in my arms she was quiet. It was like of all the people she could have had in her life, she picked me as the one she wanted."_

_Maura almost smiles, "I can see why. You have a lot of very good qualities."_

_"I want to be part of her life. I want to be her dad."_

_"I want to be her mother. I want her."_

_"Then I guess we'll have to work something out, because we can't split her in half."_

_"She's too small to split in half."_

_"She's tipping the scale at an even five pounds now."_

_"She's already gained a pound?"_

_"She's definitely got the appetite of a Rizzoli."_

_"Are you sure that you're not over feeding her?"_

_"I'm not. For your information I can read. I also burp her adequately. I would like to add for the record that her burps rival my own."_

_"She's going to grow up, and be Jane."_

_He smiles at her, "I make her wear dresses."_

_"What?!"_

_He pulls the blanket off the car seat to reveal the baby's outfit. She wears a tiny pink, and grey striped dress._

_"You make her, or your mother makes her?"_

_"Ma may have bought the dress, but I put it on her. Would it be so bad if she turned out like Jane? I mean she's rough around the edges, but there are a lot worse people Savannah could turn out like."_

_"Savannah," Maura whispers._

_Frankie unfastens the harness that is used to restrain the baby. He carefully slips her out of the seat into his arms._

_"Savannah Jane, will you open your eyes so we can talk to you?" _

_Her eyes pop open. "Hi beautiful," he coos, "There is someone who wants to see you."_

_He slips the baby into Maura's arms. She leans back on the couch._

_"You know I had to get up with her last night, so I'm pretty exhausted. If you don't mind I'm going to go to the kitchen and make some coffee."_

_"Okay," she agrees as she settles into her seat. She stares at the bright eyed eleven day old. She wears a headband that matches her dress. She has a thin layer of what appears to be reddish blonde hair. Her slate blue eyes stare up at Maura, intently._

_"Savannah," she traces the baby's perfectly symmetrical lips. She kisses her forehead. _


End file.
